


Various Elias Headcanons

by blue_blue_electricblue



Series: cw: graphic descriptions of elias [5]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Elias being a bastard, Gen, Headcanon, Mostly Crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_blue_electricblue/pseuds/blue_blue_electricblue
Summary: Just a place for me to put all of my random hcs about Elias. They're all short and the majority of them aren't serious.
Series: cw: graphic descriptions of elias [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693177
Comments: 18
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> still cursed with elias writing disease

“Melanie, I do understand that you’re about to stab me, but if you could hold off for just a moment, I would greatly appreciate it.”

Melanie blinks in surprise. That was not the response she was expecting when she threw open the door to Elias’s office.

Elias, for his part, is staring very intently at his computer. He didn’t even look up when she came in.

She feels a pulse of rage. He thinks she’s so little of a threat that he can ignore her for his stupid  _ work?  _ Well–

“Melanie, I understand that this is rather rude of an employer to say to an employee, but  _ do _ shut up.” Elias still hasn’t looked up. His eyes are glued to the screen. “I apologize for the bluntness, however given that you’re about to attempt to stab me, and that this attempt has interrupted  _ Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta _ while the bride is about to settle on something that is  _ truly  _ hideous while her horrible family encourages her, I think I am justified. Please come back in fifteen minutes. I already know when you’re planning on coming here anyway, so rescheduling really wouldn’t change anything.”

Melanie stares at him for a long moment, trying to come to terms with the fact that her eldritch boss apparently binges reality TV in his office during work hours.

“It’s a Beholder trait,” he says in response to her train of thought. “Watching people suffer. Knowing everything that is happening, the drama, the pain, et cetera. The Eye loves it. Jon will probably have to start compulsively watching some soon. I have the first four seasons of  _ Real Housewives of New Jersey  _ on DVD, so send him up here when he needs that.”

Melanie stares at him for a long moment, and finally throws her knife at his head. 

He ducks, still not looking at her.

Melanie is now missing a knife and grappling with the fact that some fear gods are predisposed to obsessing over reality TV.

She decides to leave the office and come back another time.


	2. Chapter 2

“Yes, sorry Detective, but just– give me a moment.”

Basira stares at Elias in disbelief while he zones out. He is actively not paying attention to her. Like, she knew he was a prick, but to act like  _ this–? _

“So sorry,” he says after nearly a full minute of being gone.

“Did you See something more interesting?” she asks sarcastically.

“Oh, no, my obligations on this planet come first and foremost. Nothing is more interesting to me than the progress and protection of the Institute. But it is something I was curious about, and I just had to confirm.”

“Right,” Basira says, rolling her eyes. “And here’s where you want me to bite and ask you what the thing was, so you can smugly tell me you know who killed JFK and you won’t tell me who, and I won’t care, and then we’ll have gone through a pointless diversion where I learn nothing and you don’t have to tell me anything of substance.”

“Please,” Elias scoffed. “I’ve Known who assassinated Kennedy for ages. It’s not as interesting as you think it would be. No, it’s– here, I’ll Show you.”

Basira is suddenly aware of the fact that seven galaxies away, two species of aliens are reaching a peacetime agreement.

“Elias, I am leaving. You’re a bastard, and I hate you.”

“I thought you wanted me to tell you things of substance,” he says smugly. “Surely, what’s happening on another planet can’t be of any consequence to you.”

“How can you  _ know that? _ ” she asks, absolutely furious.

Elias shrugs. “They have eyes, don’t they? Everything serves the entities. Humans, animals. Why wouldn’t aliens? I can See as far as the Eye’s sight extends, and the Eye’s sight encompasses everything.”

“So you, what? Spend your free time catching up on how Planet Zinfob is doing?”

“The name of the planet cannot be pronounced with human vocal chords. But yes. I do spend a lot of time Watching them. When I’m not looking out for the Institute, of course.”

“Elias I literally despise you. Goodbye.”

“See you soon, Detective!”

“Fuck you!”


	3. Chapter 3

“Elias,” Gertrude says to him one day. 

“Yes, Gertrude?” he replies politely. It wouldn’t do to set her off.

“I’ve been doing some research into the founder of this Institute,” she says, “and I wanted to hear your opinions on the matter.”

Of course she does. She knows, and he knows she knows, but neither of them can  prove anything, and so Elias can continue to be as smug of a bastard as he likes.

“I’d be glad to help in any way I can,” Elias says, and Gertrude’s eyes narrow.

“Right,” she says. “In any case. I’ve discovered that our founder had his fingers in a lot of pies, so to speak. Were you aware that Jonah Magnus also built a prison, even before he founded the Institute proper?”

“I was,” he answers. “He did have rather a lot of projects going on, didn’t he?”

“He did indeed. Mr Magnus–”

“Lord.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Jonah Magnus was a Lord, I believe.”

“Of course,” Gertrude says in a tone that says ‘in this moment I am daydreaming about stringing you up by your entrails.’ “So sorry. How could I have forgotten.”

Elias gives her a bland smile. “Don’t worry about it, I was just nit-picking. You were saying?”

“Oh, nothing really,” Gertrude says. “I was just wondering as to why he seemed so desperate to do so much, so young.”

Ah. Well, he supposed that was something to make fun of, if she’d found out about that.

“The terror of death can weigh on anyone,” he says. “People all want legacies. And, in the end, he created this place. Perhaps his paranoia was a good thing.”

“He was  so  young when he started, though,” Gertrude practically sings, and oh  alright, if they were going to drag this out into the daylight.

“Yes, he rather was, wasn’t he?” he says evenly, trying not to snap at her.

“Born in 1790. Why, he was only twenty-five when he built an experimental prison. That is some dedication to his  legacy . I think most people wouldn’t be especially interested in legacies at age twenty-five. Unless they had something traumatic happen to them, some… near-death experience, but I can’t find any record of that happening to, ah,  Lord Magnus.”

Elias purses his lips. “Perhaps,” he says, restraining his bitterness, “something personal happened that we are not aware of.”

“But surely anything that could have nearly killed Lord Magnus would be in the news!”

“Maybe it wasn’t a near-death experience,” he tries.

“What else could impact him so greatly that he felt the need to create a prison  and an Institute to make himself stay alive forever, through his works?”

“Some people,” Elias says blankly, not giving anything away, “are quite vain.”

Gertrude raises an eyebrow at him. “And your point is?”

“For some people. Perhaps. Finding a… grey hair at a young age. Is a suitably traumatic event that makes one very aware of one’s own mortality.”

Gertrude stares incredulously. “Are you telling me that Jonah Magnus devoted himself to eldritch horrors because he found a grey hair at twenty-five?”

“It’s just a theory,” Elias snaps. That was, in fact, what he was saying, and he tries his absolute hardest to not look into any reflective surfaces. “I’m sure you’ll have your own opinion, Gertrude. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I do have work to be getting on with. It has been lovely, as usual.”

Elias walks away from her, and wishes she had the decency to not cackle so loudly.

**Author's Note:**

> just started using [twitter](https://twitter.com/bluezaffre) so come say hi to me!!


End file.
